Hate Mail
by Aurifex
Summary: [SasoDei, implied KakuHidan] Dear Asshole. I'm telling Sasori no danna what you said about my hair. I hope he sets you on fire. Jackass. Love, Deidara. P.S....Tell your boyfriend I said hello!
1. The First Mission

To Whom It May Concern;

Sasori-no-danna told me to write back to you all back at the base to report mission status. I don't know who is going to read this letter, but either way:

Mission status: fine.

There. We all good?

-Deidara

Deidara;

I passed the message to Leader-sama for you. Normally, you know, Zetsu would be doing this shit but he's... off being Zetsu... like you do that thing that you blondes do? So I'm in charge of answering the mail for now. 

-Hidan

Hidan-

...what are you implying? "That thing that you blondes do...?" Are you calling me stupid? Fuck you. At least my hair's not the same color as my father's.

-Deidara

Blondie-

So what if I am implying something? I'm just saying, you blondes are fucking weird sometimes. You look like a chick, man. I'm just saying.

-Hidan

P.S. Shut up about my hair. It's a lot better than yours is, anyway.

Dear Asshole,

Fuck you in the ass. With a spoon. and Kakuzu's tentacles.

I do not look like a chick. I'm NOT a chick. Ask Sasori. He'll tell you.

(...Deidara's a guy, Hidan..)

See, told you!!

-Deidara who is a guy

Deidara who is not a guy-

I don't want to know how Sasori knows your gender. I always knew he was screwing you behind the Akatsuki's back! Which is fucking nasty, by the way. Sasori's like... twice your age. He's like 40 for Jashin's sake. That makes him a pedophile.

-Hidan

Dobe-

Sasori is not screwing me. I'm screwing Sasori. Get your facts right, you retard. Sasori's 32. I'm 25. That's not pedophilia. Again, you retard with the shitty hair.

Be nice or I'll tell Kakuzu that your hair has those oh-so nice waves in it when it's not gelled to the consistency of steel.

-Deidara

Dear blonde bitch,

...I will not ask how you got that information on my hair. I will, however, proceed to bet the shit out of you once you and your boyfriend get back. And then make fun of you for being a seme who has to jack off with the hands on his mouths.

-Hidan

To the jackass-

...I've only done that ONCE and you know it. It doesn't work like you think it does. The little bastards have sharp teeth. Asshole.

At least I AM seme. You are.. you are nothing. You are the dude with the greasy gray hair who worships a triangle.

Enclosed is a photo of the base my uke and I took over. Enjoy the blood.

-Deidara

Deidara-chan,

I'm going to ignore the comment you made about Jashin-sama and my hair and instead focus on the photo.

First question- was it necessary for you to flip me off with BOTH hands?

2. Was it necessary for Sasori to have been half-naked when he took the picture?

3. Where the hell did you get a camera?

-Hidan-sama

Teme,

1. Yes.

2. Yes. He's sexy, ne?

3. I found it on a dead guy. Fuck you.

Tell Leader-sama that we'll be back next wednesday. Sasori and I are rather enjoying ourselves out here but don't tell him that we're doing nasty things.

Please.

-Deidara-seme

Dickhead,

...you find a puppet sexy? I have to question your taste in men. Or rather not, because that's fucking ew.

Leader-sama wants to know if the mission got any trouble. I assume not, since you guys are rather dragging your sore asses back here and taking your sweet-fucking-time, aren't you?

Fuck you blondie.

-Hidan

Dear moron,

Stop calling me blondie. Or I'll call you Curly. Around Kakuzu. Then we'll see who gets the last laugh when I humiliate you in front of your oh-so-NOT-the-guy-you-have-a-thing-for.

Tell Leader-sama that the mission went fine and is still going smoothly. The base is secured and there's almost nothing here.

-Deidara

YOU-

I DO NOT LOVE KAKUZU, OKAY?! I DON'T, DAMMIT! STOP SAYING THAT. WOE-BETIDE-YOU IF HE FINDS THAT LETTER YOU SENT, BECAUSE I FUCKING LOST IT.

By the way, Konan says hello.

You'll also be pleased to know that I bought a hair-straightener. Ha ha. Now who'll have the last laugh?

-Hidan

Dumbass-

I have straight hair already. I don't need to laugh.

-Deidara

Deidara-

I hate you.

-Hidan

Hidan-

I'm telling Kakuzu you love him once we get back.

-Deidara 


	2. The Second Mission

To Whom It May Concern,

The mission ran into some problems during entry, but the second base has been secured and we both still have our limbs. Expect us by next thursday.

Tell the blonde one hi for me.

-Hidan

---

Hidan-

The blonde one says hello and he hopes the sex is good, because ours... wait, I'm not finishing that sentance... damn you, Deidara... he's dictating me this from across the room, and I wrote in pen, so my fault.

My apologies.

-Sasori

---

To blondie,

I am NOT IN LOVE WITH KAKUZU. NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT. WHEN ARE YOU GONNA GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL?!

ARGH.

FUCK YOU.

-Hidan

---

Dear Hidan,

Admit it. You're about as straight as the swirls on Tobi's mask. C'mon. I admitted it to you, now fess up.

I was nice enough to NOT tell Kakuzu when we came back. At least I got my clay back. That was damn cruel.

-Deidara

---

Dear whore,

I'm not gay.

Stop it.

And you damn well deserved for that clay to be taken away. It was funny to see you destroy your room and half the lair for it. Were you actually crying?

-Hidan

---

Idiot-

No, no I was not crying, I was pissed off and my face was red. Hidan-teme, you are a complete idiot sometimes.

-Deidara

---

Deidara,

Hidan is saving all of those letters and won't let me see them. He's also acting really pissed off and depressed after he sends the reply. Any idea why?

-Kakuzu

---

Kakuzu-

I think it's just Hidan being Hidan. I honestly don't know why he'd be saving them but it worries me. If he really didn't want anyone to read them, he could just burn them. I wonder why he's keeping them?

And as for the depressed thing- I think he's just sore because I'm being a blonde bitch as he put it.

-Deidara

---

Dear Blonde Asswipe,

WHY DID YOU MAIL KAKUZU? YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM ANYTHING, DID YOU? YOU'D BETTER NOT HAVE. I'LL KILL YOU.

-Hidan

---

Fuckhead-

I didn't tell him anything. Why are you saving all of my mail?

-Deidara

---

Dei-chan,

I'm saving them so I can have the satisfaction of burning them when I get back.

-Hidan

---

Hidan-

Have you told Kakuzu you love him yet?

-Deidara

---

Blonde one-

I will kick your ass. I will kick your ass and then eat what's left over in a sandwich. That's how hard I'm going to kick your fucking ass.

-Hidan

---

White-Haired Moron,

Wow. You really ARE stupid.

You know you love him. You know it inside. That feeling you get when he sits by you? That's love. The times you're extra mean to him or extra nice? That's love. The way you can't stay pissed off at him? That's love. The way you're defending it with your life?

I've seen the way you look at him. I've /seen/ you checking him out. I know that look because I see it from Sasori all the time. You're a destiny-born uke, my friend. Stop playing games and submit.

Dammit. Get it through your thick skull.

-Deidara

---

To Deidara,

Hidan seems to not want to answer any more mail. I don't know why. He's pretty mopey I guess. I think I saw him nearly crying earlier yesterday after reading your letter. Hope to god I'm wrong.

-Kakuzu

---

Kakuzu,

Let me know if things improve.

-Deidara

---

Deidara,

I hate myself for not admitting it sooner. 

I'm going to tell him soon.

Wish me luck 'cuz this bastard's gonna need it.

-Hidan

---

Hidan,

Luck from both Sasori-danna and I.

-Deidara & Sasori

---

Deidara,

Jashin DAMN you for being right all the time-

I AM an uke!

-Hidan 


End file.
